In this reflection we examine the pattern you did not choose.
They seem so different at first. Different job, different background, different everything. You tell yourself this one is different because the surface details are new.
Then six months in, you notice something familiar. The same dynamic. The same feeling in your chest. The same moment where you think: wait, I have been here before.
You have. You keep coming back to this place because something in you recognizes it.
The unconscious mind is trying to solve an old problem. It finds people who fit the shape of unfinished business. People who trigger the wound, not because it wants to hurt you, but because it wants another chance to get it right.
This is called repetition compulsion. The pull toward what is familiar, even when what is familiar is painful. Your system does not optimize for happiness. It optimizes for recognition. For the known over the unknown, even when the known is bad for you.
The avoidant person finds anxious partners. The fixer finds people who need fixing. The one who was not chosen keeps choosing people who will not choose them. The pattern replicates because the wound has not healed.
None of this is your fault. You did not consciously decide to repeat your trauma. But it is your responsibility if you want something different.
Breaking the pattern starts with seeing it. Writing down the last three relationships. Not the good parts. The dynamic. The way it ended. The role you played. The feeling you kept having that you could not name. Usually, there is a thread.
Then you have to make a different choice. Not a different person—a different response. When you feel the pull toward the familiar, pause. Ask what this person represents. Ask what wound they fit into.
The right person might feel wrong at first. Unfamiliar. Boring, even. That discomfort is not a red flag. It might be the absence of a pattern you are finally ready to leave behind.
You are not doomed to repeat this forever. But breaking the cycle means doing something that does not come naturally. It means choosing with your intentions instead of your history.